One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Less talking, more tequila
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
