I cannot find my penis.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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