I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
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