bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
