I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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