If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
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