Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
