I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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