after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
