your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So many bounce houses so little time
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
