Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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