Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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