The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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