Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I checked into jail on foursquare
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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