gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
