She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
