saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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