i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
