phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
This is my gift to your gina
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
