i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
