Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
