ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
