I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
