i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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