The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
