toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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