the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
