He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
