I'm really into asian looking animals
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
