I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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