You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
