Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
