I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
