So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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