I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
