So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
