this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
God, I missed his penis.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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