her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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