did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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