hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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