After last night, I could never be a politician.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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