1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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