i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
