if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
