I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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