If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
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