Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
