remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
