Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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