Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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