the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
